The Ghostess Hosts a Seminar on Storybook Romance

Yesterday, wandering through the library stacks, I was struck with a sudden pang of envy for the buxom, bejeweled heroines on the covers of the romance novels. How do they manage to live such lives? Why are they so desirable? And, more to the point, how can the Ghostess and her gang grab a little of that glamour for themselves?
So I endeavored to find out. I was lucky enough to connect with one of the top-selling romantic authors of our time, and she has most graciously and enthusiastically agreed to share some of the many tricks of the trade with all of us. She has asked that I not reveal her actual name, but you’ll know her by her noms de plume. So sit back, enjoy a glass of the fine champagne she’s provided, have a truffle or two, and prepare to put a little romance in your life.

Hello, darlings, are we all ripe for romance? I’m here today, in my $3000 earth-toned silky lounging suit and my blood diamonds, because I know all of you adorable ladies and dashing gentlemen are just panting to learn the secrets of what it takes to live just the way they do in my best-selling love stories, which you can obtain from Chocolate Hearts Press.
Oh, come now, you know who I am, don’t you? Why, I’m Freya Goodlove, the creator of the Nubile Nobles series! And I’m also Monique d’Amour, she of the Continental Conquests Quartet! And you surely know me as Cammi Colt, who writes those rip-snortin’ Ranchin’ ‘n’ Romancin’ books that are doing so well on the charts! See, you knew me all along! I wear many different chapeaux (each one more expensive and lovely than the one before) but the important thing to remember is that I am an expert on all things love-related. I am the Queen of Hearts! (Chocolate Hearts, of course! *giggles*)
So let’s get started. Today we’re going to begin with the basics, the things that I consider the most important when it comes to living one’s very own Storybook Romance.
First, and do forgive me for being so frightfully blunt, you must be wealthy. No, not rich, dearies; desserts and fabrics are rich. People are wealthy. It’s a sad but true fact that True Romance simply cannot be had by people who might kindly be said to live In Humble Circumstances. There are a few exceptions, which I will come to shortly. But the general rule is, have a fortune.
How does one go about acquiring this fortune? The simplest way, of course, is to inherit it. Probably a full ninety percent of my characters did exactly this. Nothing is more aphrodisiacal than Old Money!
Failing that, one may earn their fortune, but it must be done with the greatest consideration. First of all, it must be earned glamorously. Earning it as a fashion designer, a film star, a high-powered attorney, or, perhaps best of all, a romance writer! will do nicely. Attorney and film star are a bit tricky though. You’ll want to make sure you never lose a case or star in a bad film.
Owning a restaurant or nightclub is quite acceptable provided the establishment is “la creme de la creme.” The more exclusive and expensive the place, the better.
If you choose to make your millions by owning a prosperous company, take care! Advertising firms, publishing houses, luxury automobile companies and the like are best. To be avoided are discount-store chains, plumbing fixtures or processed foods.
I hardly need to remind you not to lose your fortune, as I’m sure that’s the last thing any of us wants! But if you do, all is not lost! (Just the fortune. Tee hee.) Remember ladies, that many men, particularly noblemen, are extremely attracted to a penniless girl, especially if she hasn’t always been penniless. There’s just something irresistible about an innocent slip of a girl whose wicked and dissolute brother has squandered the family riches on drink. It brings out the protective Father Bear in so many of these aristocrats.
If you’re a gentleman and find yourself in dire financial straits, you may possibly be able to get a job working for a more fortunate family with an eligible daughter, or alternately, a detestable husband and a susceptible wife. Remember Storm Kincaid in Cammi Colt’s “His Branded Bride?” He met the lovely Miss Charlotte while serving as foreman on her father’s sprawling ranch after his own father disowned him over his refusal to follow in Kincaid Senior’s shady footsteps.
A word about gambling: I would not advise you to try and amass wealth via the cards, the dice, or the horses. And certainly not via the slot machines, the roulette wheel, or the sports book! Sir Phillip Mondegreen did enjoy a career as a professional gambler in Monique d’Amour’s “His Monte Carlo Mistress,” but remember, he repented and gave up his wastrel ways when Lady Theodora turned up great with his child.
All right! That’s the most important thing, wealth. Best to put that right on the table and not dither about with coy euphemisms and evasions. Money may be vulgar, but sometimes, when preparing to lead the Life Romantic, one must confront vulgarities head-on and get them out of the way in order to move on to more pleasant things.
On that note, darlings, I must take my leave of you today. Charlemagne, my poodle, is at this very moment at Chiens et Chats getting his weekly shampoo and set, and I must be fetching him shortly. So au revoir for now, and I will be meeting with you all again very soon to continue my seminar on Storybook Romance!

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7 Responses to “The Ghostess Hosts a Seminar on Storybook Romance”

  1. Walt Says:

    Hey Ghostess with your writing skill and sense of humor . . .your ticket to the life romantic may be to write yourself there. I know of at least one person who would buy your books.

  2. Vance Royston Breckenridge III Says:

    I don’t know who you are, or how you feel qualified to speak on such matters. Who are your parents? To which club do you belong? Were you at ANY of the events this Season? I suspect your answers will be “nobody,” “none,” and “not a one.” I suppose if I had nothing, I would be insanely jealous of someone as wealthy, charming and handsome as I, but then, I am me and you are not, nor will you ever be. So crack open a fresh box of Butterscotch Crimpets, sip on an RC Cola, and keep on dreamin’, girlfriend! Ta-ta!

    • ghostscribe Says:

      You may have been blessed with every advantage in life, Vance, and have undoubtedly been given the very best education that your parents’ money could buy for you, but that education neglected to teach you that “I am me” is woefully incorrect and in fact, de`class`e. The proper phrase would be “I am I.” Also, the sweet processed snack to which you refer is correctly known as a Butterscotch Krimpet. Toodle-oo, my good man!

  3. Vance Royston Breckenridge III Says:

    My dear misguided lady (a word which I use rather loosely), I was simply tailoring my message for its intended audience. And I will defer to the expert as to the spelling of that despicable snack. It is not something i have ever actually purchased or consumed myself. Get a taste of Yves-Marcel’s creme broulee (not that you ever will, I should remind you), and you’ll leave those populist pastries to the populace. Unfortunately, you are stuck with them. Well, I must be going. My latest lovely conquest, Edwina, and I are jetting off for a romantic weekend at St. Tropez. Perhaps I’ll think of you as I gaze out the window of our penthouse suite at the shimmering Atlantic. But probably not.

    • ghostscribe Says:

      You and Edwina have a lovely time in St. Tropez. Better keep a short leash on her, though. If she should happen to fall into conversation with some suave local aristocrat, (and they are all suave) I suspect you’ll be jetting back across the pond all by your lonesome. How did you know I buy my madeleins and croissants at Populist Pastries Unlimited? Been going through my garbage for the receipts?

  4. Vance Royston Breckenridge III Says:

    How dare you mock me! I could buy and sell a thousand of you without lifting a finger (although, why would I want to?). Does the name Vance Royston Breckenridge III mean anything at all to you beyond your little blog? You can consult the glossy pages of Who’s Who to find out all about me. I’m sure you can borrow a copy at your nearest library. As for Edwina, not that it is any of your “beeswax,” as you people say, but your assumptions just demonstrate your lack of understanding. Everything is different when you’re wealthy and powerful, not to mention well-dressed and astoundingly handsome, as I assure you I am, and which you can verify by mentioning my name to anybody who’s Anybody, in New York, London or Paris. You see, there are plenty of opportunities for dalliances to go around. On the islands, they have a saying which I quite admire: “No woman, no cry.” They’re like buses. There’s always another one coming. That’s how it is when you live the life, rather than simply reading and daydreaming about something you can never achieve. I hope our little chat has provided you with a better understanding for my way of life, if you’re capable of such. However, I really have no more time to discuss it. If you’d like to schedule an appointment, call my office on Monday, although I warn you, I’m all booked until at least mid-March.

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